Today | News | Books | Recipes Adventure | Science Fiction | Ghost stories | Poetry | Children | History Bookace: but ampler gains 150 Await, no doubt, the grave HISTORIANS' pains! More time, more study they require, and pile Page upon page, heedless of bulk the while, Till, fact conjoined to fact with thought intense, The work is closed, at many a ream's expense! 155 Say now, what harvest was there ever found, What golden crop, from this long-labored ground? 'Tis barren all; and one poor plodding scribe Gets more by framing pleas than all the tribe. True:--'tis a slothful breed, that, nursed in ease, 160 Soft beds, and whispering shades, alone can please. Say then, what gain the LAWYER'S toil affords, His sacks of papers, and his war of words? Heavens! how he bellows in our tortured ears; But then, then chiefly, when the client hears, 165 Or one prepared, with vouchers, to attest Some desperate debt, more anxious than the rest, Twitches his elbow: then, his passions rise! Then, forth he puffs the immeasurable lies From his swollen lungs! then, the white foam appears, 170 And, driveling down his beard, his vest besmears! Ask you the profit of this painful race? 'Tis quickly summed: Here, the joint fortunes place Of five-score lawyers; there, Lacerta's sole-- And that one charioteer's, shall poise the whole! 175 The Generals take their seats in regal wise. You, my pale Ajax, watch the hour, and rise, In act to plead a trembling client's cause, Before Judge Jolthead--learned in the laws. Now stretch your throat, unhappy man! now raise 180 Your clamors, that, when hoarse, a bunch of bays, Stuck in your garret window, may declare, That some victorious pleader nestles there! O glorious hour! but what your fee, the while? A rope of shriveled onions from the Nile, 185 A rusty ham, a jar of broken sprats, And wine, the refuse of our country vats; Five flagons for four causes! if you hold, Though this indeed be rare, a piece of gold; The brethren, _as per contract_, on you fall, 190 And share the prize, solicitors and all! Whate'er he asks, Æmilius may command, Though more of law be ours: but lo! there stand Before his gate, conspicuous from afar, Four stately steeds, yoked to a brazen car: 195 And the great pleader, looking wary round, On a fierce charger that disdains the ground, Levels his threatening spear, in act to throw, And seems to meditate no common blow. Such arts as these, to beggary Matho brought, 200 And such the ruin of Tongillus wrought, Who, with his troop of slaves, a draggled train, Annoyed the baths, of his huge oil-horn vain; Swept through the Forum, in a chair of state, To every auction--villas, slaves, or plate; 205 And, trading on the credit of his dress, Cheapened whate'er he saw, though penniless! And some, indeed, have thriven by tricks like these: Purple and violet swell a lawyer's fees; Bustle and show above his means conduce 210 To business, and profusion proves of use. The vice is universal: Rome confounds The wealthiest;--prodigal beyond all bounds! Could our old pleaders visit earth again, Tully himself would scarce a brief obtain, 215 Unless his robe were purple, and a stone, Diamond or ruby, on his finger shone. The wary plaintiff, ere a fee he gives, Inquires at what expense his counsel lives; Has he eight slaves, ten followers? chairs to wait, 220 And clients to precede his march in state? This Paulus knows full well, and, therefore, hires A ring to plead in; therefore, too, acquires More briefs than Cossus:--preference not unsound, For how should eloquence in rags be found? 225 Who gives poor Basilus a cause of state? When, to avert a trembling culprit's fate, Shows he a weeping mother? or who heeds How close he argues, and how well he pleads? Unhappy Basilus!--but he is wrong: 230 Would he procure subsistence by his tongue, Let him renounce the forum, and withdraw To Gaul, or Afric, the dry-nurse of law. But Vectius, yet more desperate than the rest, Has opened (O that adamantine breast!) 235 A RHETORIC school; where striplings rave and storm At tyranny, through many a crowded form.-- The exercises lately, sitting, read, Standing, distract his miserable head, And every day and every hour affords 240 The selfsame subjects, in the selfsame words; Till, like hashed cabbage served for each repast, The repetition--kills the wretch at last! Where the main jet of every question lies, And whence the chief objections may arise, 245 All wish to know; but none the price will pay. "The price," retorts the scholar, "do you say! What have I learned?" There go the master's pains, Because, forsooth, the Arcadian brute lacks brains! And yet this oaf, every sixth morn, prepares 250 To split my head with Hannibal's affairs, While he debates at large, "Whether 'twere right To take advantage of the general fright, And march to Rome; or, by the storm alarmed, And all the elements against him armed, 255 The dangerous expedition to delay, And lead his harassed troops some other way." --Sick of the theme, which still returns, and still The exhausted wretch exclaims, Ask what you will, I'll give it, so you on his sire prevail, 260 To hear, thus oft, the booby's endless tale! So Vectius speeds: his brethren, wiser far, Have shut up school, and hurried to the bar. Adieu the idle fooleries of Greece, The soporific drug, the golden fleece, 265 The faithless husband, and the abandoned wife, And Æson, coddled to new light and life, A long adieu! on more productive themes, On actual crimes, the sophist now declaims: Thou too, my friend, would'st thou my counsel hear, 270 Should'st free thyself from this ungrateful care; Lest all be lost, and thou reduced, poor sage, To want a tally in thy helpless age! Bread still the lawyer earns; but tell me yet, What your Chrysogonus and Pollio get 275 (The chief of rhetoricians), though they teach Our youth of quality, THE ART OF SPEECH? Oh, no! the great pursue a nobler end:-- Five thousand on a bath they freely spend; More on a portico, where, while it lours, 280 They ride, and bid defiance to the showers. Shall they, for brighter skies, at home remain, Or dash their pampered mules through mud and rain? No: let them pace beneath the stately roof, For there no mire can soil the shining hoof. 285 See next, on proud Numidian columns rise An eating-room, that fronts the eastern skies, And drinks the cooler sun. Expensive these! But (cost whate'er they may), the times to please, Sewers for arrangement of the board admired, 290 And cooks of taste and skill must yet be hired. Mid this extravagance, which knows no bounds, Quintilian gets, and hardly gets, ten pounds:-- On education all is grudged as lost, And sons are still a father's lightest cost. 295 Whence has Quintilian, then, his vast estate? Urge not an instance of peculiar fate: Perhaps, by luck. The lucky, I admit, Have all advantages; have beauty, wit, And wisdom, and high blood: the lucky, too, 300 May take, at will, the senatorial sho |