Today | News | Books | Recipes Adventure | Science Fiction | Ghost stories | Poetry | Children | History Bookuzzles me with many an uncouth phrase, From some old canticle of Numa's days; Corrects her country friends, and can not hear Her husband solecize without a sneer! A woman stops at nothing, when she wears 660 Rich emeralds round her neck, and in her ears Pearls of enormous size; these justify Her faults, and make all lawful in her eye. Sure, of all ills with which mankind are curs'd, A wife who brings you money is the worst. 665 Behold! her face a spectacle appears, Bloated, and foul, and plastered to the ears With viscous paste:--the husband looks askew, And sticks his lips in this detested glue. She meets the adulterer bathed, perfumed, and dress'd, 670 But rots in filth at home, a very pest! For him she breathes of nard; for him alone She makes the sweets of Araby her own; For him, at length, she ventures to uncase, Scales the first layer of roughcast from her face, 675 And, while the maids to know her now begin, Clears, with that precious milk, her frouzy skin, For which, though exiled to the frozen main, She'd lead a drove of asses in her train! But tell me yet; this thing, thus daubed and oiled, 680 Thus poulticed, plastered, baked by turns and boiled, Thus with pomatums, ointments, lackered o'er, Is it a FACE, Ursidius, or a SORE? 'Tis worth a little labor to survey Our wives more near and trace 'em through the day. 685 If, dreadful to relate! the night foregone, The husband turned his back, or lay alone, All, all is lost; the housekeeper is stripped, The tiremaid chidden, and the chairman whipped: Rods, cords, and thongs avenge the master's sleep, 690 And force the guiltless house to wake and weep. There are, who hire a beadle by the year, To lash their servants round; who, pleased to hear The eternal thong, bid him lay on, while they, At perfect ease, the silkman's stores survey, 695 Chat with their female gossips, or replace The cracked enamel on their treacherous face. No respite yet:--they leisurely hum o'er The countless _items_ of the day before, And bid him still lay on; till, faint with toil, 700 He drops the scourge; when, with a rancorous smile, "Begone!" they thunder in a horrid tone, "Now your accounts are settled, rogues, begone!" But should she wish with nicer care to dress, And now the hour of assignation press 705 (Whether the adulterer for her coming wait In Isis' fane, to bawdry consecrate, Or in Lucullus' walks), the house appears A true Sicilian court, all gloom and tears. The wretched Psecas, for the whip prepared, 710 With locks disheveled, and with shoulders bared, Attempts her hair: fire flashes from her eyes, And, "Strumpet! why this curl so high?" she cries. Instant the lash, without remorse, is plied, And the blood stains her bosom, back, and side. 715 But why this fury?--Is the girl to blame, If your air shocks you, or your features shame? Another, trembling, on the left prepares To open and arrange the straggling hairs In ringlets trim: meanwhile, the council meet: 720 And first the nurse, a personage discreet, Late from the toilet to the wheel removed (The effect of time), yet still of taste approved, Gives her opinion: then the rest, in course, As age, or practice, lends their judgment force. 725 So warm they grow, and so much pains they take, You'd think her honor or her life at stake! So high they build her head, such tiers on tiers, With wary hands, they pile, that she appears, Andromache, before:--and what behind? 730 A dwarf, a creature of a different kind.-- Meanwhile, engrossed by these important cares, She thinks not on her lord's distress'd affairs, Scarce on himself; but leads a separate life, As if she were his neighbor, not his wife? 735 Or, but in this--that all control she braves; Hates where he loves, and squanders where he saves. Room for Bellona's frantic votaries! room For Cybele's mad enthusiasts! lo, they come! A lusty semivir, whose part obscene, 740 A broken shell has severed smooth and clean, A raw-boned, mitred priest, whom the whole choir Of curtailed priestlings reverence and admire, Enters, with his wild rout; and bids the fair Of autumn, and its sultry blasts, beware, 745 Unless she lustrate, with an hundred eggs, Her household straight:--then, impudently begs Her cast-off clothes, that every plague they fear May enter them, and expiate all the year! But lo! another tribe! at whose command, 750 See her, in winter, near the Tiber stand, Break the thick ice, and, ere the sun appears, Plunge in the crashing eddy to the ears; Then, shivering from the keen and eager breeze, Crawl round the banks, on bare and bleeding knees. 755 Should milkwhite Iö bid, from Meroë's isle She'd fetch the sunburnt waters of the Nile, To sprinkle in her fane; for she, it seems, Has heavenly visitations in her dreams-- Mark the pure soul, with whom the gods delight 760 To hold high converse at the noon of night! For this she cherishes, above the rest, Her Iö's favorite priest, a knave profess'd, A holy hypocrite, who strolls abroad, With his Anubis, his dog-headed god! 765 Girt by a linen-clad, a bald-pate crew Of howling vagrants, who their cries renew In every street, as up and down they run, To find OSIRE, fit father to fit son! He sues for pardon, when the liquorish dame 770 Abstains not from the interdicted game On high and solemn days; for great the crime, To stain the nuptial couch at such a time, And great the atonement due;--the silver snake, Abhorrent of the deed, was seen to quake! 775 Yet he prevails:--Osiris hears his prayers, And, softened by a goose, the culprit spares. Without her badge, a Jewess now draws near, And, trembling, begs a trifle in her ear. No common personage! she knows full well 780 The laws of Solyma, and she can tell The dark decrees of heaven; a priestess she, An hierarch of the consecrated tree! Moved by these claims thus modestly set forth, She gives her a few coins of little worth; 785 For Jews are moderate, and, for farthing fees, Will sell what fortune, or what dreams you please. The prophetess dismissed, a Syrian sage Now enters, and explores the future page, In a dove's entrails: there he sees express'd 790 A youthful lover: there, a rich bequest, From some kind dotard: then a chick he takes, And in its breast, and in a puppy's, rakes, And sometimes in--an infant's: he will teach The art to others, and, when taught, impeach! 795 But chiefly in Chaldeans she believes: Whate'er they say, with reverence she receives, As if from Hammon's secret fount it came; Since Delphi now, if we may credit fame, Gives no responses, and a long dark night 800 Conceals the future hour from mortal sight. Of these, the chief (such credit guilt obtains!) Is he, who, banished oft, and oft in chains, Stands forth the veriest knave; he who foretold The death of Galba--to his rival sold! 805 No juggler must for fame or profit hope, Who has not narrowly escaped the |